I've been noticing more and more gray hairs around my temples and in my hair line lately.
Also recently my eyesight doesn't seem to be as sharp as it used to be.
Somebody bury me already.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Compassion for those who struggle or, What I have in common with a gay man.
This morning I read this article.
If you are a member of the church I strongly recommend you read it. If you don't read it here's the gist. Its was written in 2004 (before the gay marriage thing had heated up to a point that it has now. The church is so smart), by a member of the church who deals with same-sex attraction.
I have a hard time when it comes to the issue of gay rights. I know that homosexuality doesn't have a place in our Father's plan (neither does the state of being single though) but it seems un-American and also against our Father's plan to deny people the right to live the way they want to. But that's another post altogether.
The article surprised me. Not because of what he revealed about living as a member of the church dealing with same-sex attraction but because I realized I had two things in common with him. 1. That up to this point, I "do not fully experience the joys of family life" and 2. "We all have need to repent".
Being a single adult in the church is hard. Its awkward. The Lord did not mean for us to be this way. Its like being in a wheel chair at a dance. Everyone sees you in the wheel chair, they sympathize with you, they wish you could join but you can't, you're in a wheel chair, and the dance continues. For some (I won't point fingers) being single is a choice. Maybe not a conscious one but a choice nonetheless. For me it is not a choice. Maybe I've made some wrong moves or missteps or missed an unrecognized opportunity, that have kept me from marriage but as far as I can tell I am doing all I can to "fully experience the joys of family life". And yet it eludes me because of circumstances I have no control over. In this way I sympathize with this member who experiences same-sex attraction. He has a strong testimony of the gospel. This is clear. But it never occurred to me the sorrow they experience (just like me) for not being able to join in the dance. They didn't choose this for themselves. They would change it if they could.
In the article he describes that his same-sex attraction is not a choice...temptation is not a choice. And its wrong to see someone who deals with that temptation as a transgressor. I don't think we do it with any other kind of temptation. We don't condemn an alcoholic just for wanting a drink. We sympathize with the struggle.
The author says:
"Some may be gripped by other temptations—alcohol, tobacco, pornography, gambling, or other serious sins. If not tempted by major transgression, we all nevertheless are tempted every day. And we do not think people facing large or small temptations are immoral just because they are tempted. Elder Oaks reminds us: “We should always distinguish between sinful acts and inappropriate feelings or potentially dangerous susceptibilities. We should reach out lovingly to those who are struggling to resist temptation."
With this he reminded me of the second thing I found I had in common with him. We are all tempted. We all have need to repent. We all require Christ's Atonement. To pick and choose which temptations we will be accepting of and which we won't is the opposite of being a disciple.
At the end of the article he suggests what members of the church can do to help saints who are suffering in this way: fellowship them. The hardest part about not having a companion with which to fully live the gospel is the loneliness. If you're in a wheelchair...you're far less likely to attend the dance in the first place.
The last thing I wanted to mention was the paragraph where he explains that the doctrine of agency contradicts the explanation that same-sex attraction is the result of biological or physiological causes. Once we reach the age (or condition) of accountability "I was born that way" is no longer an acceptable excuse. I was born wanting to sit around watching 30 Rock and eating muddy buddies. That doesn't make it ok.
*note 1: I realize that the comparisons between same-sex attraction and single-ness don't extend very far...but reading the article I couldn't believe how much I could relate with the struggle as a single person.
*note 2: I realize that comparing being single with having a disability is less than desirable...and if a married person made that comparison I'd probably lose it with them...the metaphor, however, works.
*note 3: I referred to the author as a him. This was an assumption. It could just as easily be a her.
If you are a member of the church I strongly recommend you read it. If you don't read it here's the gist. Its was written in 2004 (before the gay marriage thing had heated up to a point that it has now. The church is so smart), by a member of the church who deals with same-sex attraction.
I have a hard time when it comes to the issue of gay rights. I know that homosexuality doesn't have a place in our Father's plan (neither does the state of being single though) but it seems un-American and also against our Father's plan to deny people the right to live the way they want to. But that's another post altogether.
The article surprised me. Not because of what he revealed about living as a member of the church dealing with same-sex attraction but because I realized I had two things in common with him. 1. That up to this point, I "do not fully experience the joys of family life" and 2. "We all have need to repent".
Being a single adult in the church is hard. Its awkward. The Lord did not mean for us to be this way. Its like being in a wheel chair at a dance. Everyone sees you in the wheel chair, they sympathize with you, they wish you could join but you can't, you're in a wheel chair, and the dance continues. For some (I won't point fingers) being single is a choice. Maybe not a conscious one but a choice nonetheless. For me it is not a choice. Maybe I've made some wrong moves or missteps or missed an unrecognized opportunity, that have kept me from marriage but as far as I can tell I am doing all I can to "fully experience the joys of family life". And yet it eludes me because of circumstances I have no control over. In this way I sympathize with this member who experiences same-sex attraction. He has a strong testimony of the gospel. This is clear. But it never occurred to me the sorrow they experience (just like me) for not being able to join in the dance. They didn't choose this for themselves. They would change it if they could.
In the article he describes that his same-sex attraction is not a choice...temptation is not a choice. And its wrong to see someone who deals with that temptation as a transgressor. I don't think we do it with any other kind of temptation. We don't condemn an alcoholic just for wanting a drink. We sympathize with the struggle.
The author says:
"Some may be gripped by other temptations—alcohol, tobacco, pornography, gambling, or other serious sins. If not tempted by major transgression, we all nevertheless are tempted every day. And we do not think people facing large or small temptations are immoral just because they are tempted. Elder Oaks reminds us: “We should always distinguish between sinful acts and inappropriate feelings or potentially dangerous susceptibilities. We should reach out lovingly to those who are struggling to resist temptation."
With this he reminded me of the second thing I found I had in common with him. We are all tempted. We all have need to repent. We all require Christ's Atonement. To pick and choose which temptations we will be accepting of and which we won't is the opposite of being a disciple.
At the end of the article he suggests what members of the church can do to help saints who are suffering in this way: fellowship them. The hardest part about not having a companion with which to fully live the gospel is the loneliness. If you're in a wheelchair...you're far less likely to attend the dance in the first place.
The last thing I wanted to mention was the paragraph where he explains that the doctrine of agency contradicts the explanation that same-sex attraction is the result of biological or physiological causes. Once we reach the age (or condition) of accountability "I was born that way" is no longer an acceptable excuse. I was born wanting to sit around watching 30 Rock and eating muddy buddies. That doesn't make it ok.
*note 1: I realize that the comparisons between same-sex attraction and single-ness don't extend very far...but reading the article I couldn't believe how much I could relate with the struggle as a single person.
*note 2: I realize that comparing being single with having a disability is less than desirable...and if a married person made that comparison I'd probably lose it with them...the metaphor, however, works.
*note 3: I referred to the author as a him. This was an assumption. It could just as easily be a her.
Monday, August 2, 2010
100 Kinds of Crazy
Something has happened recently that has taken me from being the calm, cool, logical, not hysterical Heather you all know to being a crazy, irrational, unconfident, ultra-female version of myself. What could have caused this drastic and extremely irritating change?
His name is Jake.
Its making me so crazy that I'm blogging about it. BLOGGING, PEOPLE! I'm trying so hard to keep the crazy inside but I'm failing. And I'm failing because I'm so confused.
Here are the facts:
We were introduced online. We began to exchange emails. Which is a perfect way for someone to get to know me (beside an actual date of course) because I'm a good writer and I'm terrible on the phone. We made for really good correspondents (even though it was email and not real mail isn't there something kind of romantic about that?). He was funny, I was charming and I was very confident there was a high degree of mutual enjoyment.
As much as I was loving exchanging electronic mail with him...I didn't want an adult pen pal. So after a month and a half I began wondering if he was ever going to ask me out. Finally he did. We went. It was fantastic.
Best (only) date I've had in a long time. Maybe ever. It was just dinner which was perfect. I've gotten to an age where I no longer find going paint balling or mini golfing fun. Again I felt like we both equally enjoyed ourselves. I had no reason to not hope for a second date.
The day after our date he went out of town with his brothers for a week. I sent the traditional "day-after thank-you" text to which he responded positively and then not surprisingly I didn't hear from him for the rest of his trip.
I know by now you are thinking "So why aren't you married already?" But here's where things get grey.
A week after we went out (after he had gotten home) he engaged me in a gchat. It was friendly. Nothing special. Next morning he sent me a text. I was thrilled. Things were looking up. That night I wrangled him into a gchat. I was appropriately flirty. Nothing too forward or anything. And then....that was it. He's disappeared. Four days ago (after three days of silence) I sent him a casual inside joke kind of text. No response. Its now been a week since I've heard anything from him. I even panicked two days ago and called him. His voice mailbox was full so I couldn't leave a message.
WHAT'S GOING ON? I've imagined everything from him being out of town to having an old girlfriend come back in the picture. Of course my mind naturally assumes its something I did or said or something about me he doesn't like. But the truth is I have no idea. And I can't know. There's nothing more I can do without appearing like the desperate, hysterical crazy girl that I currently feel like I am.
I told my mom that maybe he's the roof top killer. I could be dead.
I just really don't like feeling this way. Whatever it is I just want to know. Knowing is always better than not knowing.
I can't believe I'm so pathetic I just wrote this long blog about it. Somebody help me.
His name is Jake.
Its making me so crazy that I'm blogging about it. BLOGGING, PEOPLE! I'm trying so hard to keep the crazy inside but I'm failing. And I'm failing because I'm so confused.
Here are the facts:
We were introduced online. We began to exchange emails. Which is a perfect way for someone to get to know me (beside an actual date of course) because I'm a good writer and I'm terrible on the phone. We made for really good correspondents (even though it was email and not real mail isn't there something kind of romantic about that?). He was funny, I was charming and I was very confident there was a high degree of mutual enjoyment.
As much as I was loving exchanging electronic mail with him...I didn't want an adult pen pal. So after a month and a half I began wondering if he was ever going to ask me out. Finally he did. We went. It was fantastic.
Best (only) date I've had in a long time. Maybe ever. It was just dinner which was perfect. I've gotten to an age where I no longer find going paint balling or mini golfing fun. Again I felt like we both equally enjoyed ourselves. I had no reason to not hope for a second date.
The day after our date he went out of town with his brothers for a week. I sent the traditional "day-after thank-you" text to which he responded positively and then not surprisingly I didn't hear from him for the rest of his trip.
I know by now you are thinking "So why aren't you married already?" But here's where things get grey.
A week after we went out (after he had gotten home) he engaged me in a gchat. It was friendly. Nothing special. Next morning he sent me a text. I was thrilled. Things were looking up. That night I wrangled him into a gchat. I was appropriately flirty. Nothing too forward or anything. And then....that was it. He's disappeared. Four days ago (after three days of silence) I sent him a casual inside joke kind of text. No response. Its now been a week since I've heard anything from him. I even panicked two days ago and called him. His voice mailbox was full so I couldn't leave a message.
WHAT'S GOING ON? I've imagined everything from him being out of town to having an old girlfriend come back in the picture. Of course my mind naturally assumes its something I did or said or something about me he doesn't like. But the truth is I have no idea. And I can't know. There's nothing more I can do without appearing like the desperate, hysterical crazy girl that I currently feel like I am.
I told my mom that maybe he's the roof top killer. I could be dead.
I just really don't like feeling this way. Whatever it is I just want to know. Knowing is always better than not knowing.
I can't believe I'm so pathetic I just wrote this long blog about it. Somebody help me.
Monday, July 26, 2010
So many things...
I've really been in the mood to write lately but I've got so much I want to say that I'm overwhelmed by it and as a result I haven't written anything. Stupid I know. So I'm going to empty the inbox in my brain really quick so that I can focus on other things I want to spend more time on.
1. Lagoon. I've hated Lagoon for a long time. I'm not an amusement park girl. I'm a Disneyland girl. Lagoon is hot, crowded, and I don't fit in because I don't have tattoos, smoke, or wear a bikini top with a mesh shirt over it. Last summer though while I was in Cleveland I went with Will to Cedar Point. Which is a big deal. Tallest, fastest roller coasters in the US. I had a good day but I'm not sure Will did. I was a total baby. I was scared to ride most the coasters and the ones I did made me totally sick. I should've learned my lesson. But a couple weeks ago my roommate had really cheap tickets to Lagoon. I was determined to go and have a good time and not be a baby/snob. It didn't happen. I rode about three rides before I was staggering off of Colossus and locating the nearest garbage can. I tried to be fun and I just ended up sick. Its official. My roller coaster days are over. I always wondered why my mom insisted on being a party pooper, sitting under a tree with the stroller. Now I know she was saving herself from a day of nausea and the humiliation of public puking. (Note: I did not actually puke. But I was very very close.)
2. The Garden: I've rented a plot in a community garden nearby this summer. With the help of Rachelle and my sisters we've been feeling our way blindly through the delicate art of gardening. We planted peas, beans, watermelon, cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, carrots, peppers, zucchini, and a pumpkin. I've had a handful of peas, and zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. More zucchini than I can eat. I suck at growing anything else. The lettuce was a major failure. A had a few peppers but they were kind of bitter. The melons and pumpkin are coming along ok. Everything else is really struggling. But the zucchini man...I can't keep up with it.
I've had some friends request I write my thoughts about being a single gal who is trying not to be a single gal...but I've been hesitant. I guess with my blog private I know exactly who my readership is and I don't have to worry about offending anyone right? What say you?
That's all for now. I thought there would be a lot more but I guess I've lost some of the zeal I thought I had.
1. Lagoon. I've hated Lagoon for a long time. I'm not an amusement park girl. I'm a Disneyland girl. Lagoon is hot, crowded, and I don't fit in because I don't have tattoos, smoke, or wear a bikini top with a mesh shirt over it. Last summer though while I was in Cleveland I went with Will to Cedar Point. Which is a big deal. Tallest, fastest roller coasters in the US. I had a good day but I'm not sure Will did. I was a total baby. I was scared to ride most the coasters and the ones I did made me totally sick. I should've learned my lesson. But a couple weeks ago my roommate had really cheap tickets to Lagoon. I was determined to go and have a good time and not be a baby/snob. It didn't happen. I rode about three rides before I was staggering off of Colossus and locating the nearest garbage can. I tried to be fun and I just ended up sick. Its official. My roller coaster days are over. I always wondered why my mom insisted on being a party pooper, sitting under a tree with the stroller. Now I know she was saving herself from a day of nausea and the humiliation of public puking. (Note: I did not actually puke. But I was very very close.)
2. The Garden: I've rented a plot in a community garden nearby this summer. With the help of Rachelle and my sisters we've been feeling our way blindly through the delicate art of gardening. We planted peas, beans, watermelon, cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, carrots, peppers, zucchini, and a pumpkin. I've had a handful of peas, and zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. More zucchini than I can eat. I suck at growing anything else. The lettuce was a major failure. A had a few peppers but they were kind of bitter. The melons and pumpkin are coming along ok. Everything else is really struggling. But the zucchini man...I can't keep up with it.
I've had some friends request I write my thoughts about being a single gal who is trying not to be a single gal...but I've been hesitant. I guess with my blog private I know exactly who my readership is and I don't have to worry about offending anyone right? What say you?
That's all for now. I thought there would be a lot more but I guess I've lost some of the zeal I thought I had.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Shrinkage
Last summer my mom bought me a maxi dress from Target. It was perfect. I loved it. Except for one thing. It was super long. Maxi dresses are supposed to be exaggerated in length but I'm talking like inches of dress on the floor. The crazy thing was is that I'm kind of a tall person. Who was this dress made for? Sometimes my mom buys me XXL from Target because she thinks everything there runs small. So I figured it was just really big. But nope, it was just a regular ole large.
I took it to a tailor and had 4 INCHES taken off. 4 INCHES! And it still hit the floor. I've loved it and wear it all the time.
Today I found out why it was so long. I washed and dried it and when I pulled it out of the dryer it didn't seem to have as much length. I held it up to myself and it hit me about mid-calf.
Damn.
Now I'm sad. Anyone have a human shrinking technique I could try so I won't look silly in my favorite dress?
I took it to a tailor and had 4 INCHES taken off. 4 INCHES! And it still hit the floor. I've loved it and wear it all the time.
Today I found out why it was so long. I washed and dried it and when I pulled it out of the dryer it didn't seem to have as much length. I held it up to myself and it hit me about mid-calf.
Damn.
Now I'm sad. Anyone have a human shrinking technique I could try so I won't look silly in my favorite dress?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Swim Lessons from Hell
This has been a long week. And its because I've started swim lessons. They've been a total disaster. I've taught swim lesson for like 8 years and I've never had them go this badly.
Here's some background: I'm teaching at a private swim club and I am not employed by the club. I'm a contracted private instructor. I give them a (big) cut of what I make. I'm teaching with another girl named Paige whom I have never met and she has been handling all of the registration. We've set it up so that we will do four sessions that will have four classes a day for eight days for forty minutes. Are you following? Doesn't matter. Here's the point: Paige has been on vacation this week. Because I need the income I didn't want to wait another week to start so this week I did a short "Jump Start" session with only five, forty minute lessons in it. Also the pool manager who got me this gig has been out of town this week too.
So the problems started when I didn't have a huge enrollment for my jump start. So I condensed the 6-7 kids I had registered into two classes instead of four. Immediately I had a mom (Mom A we'll call her) email and say that her kids were at a higher level than the other kids I had put them with. I called her back and politely explained that I understood her concern but the class sizes were so small I would be able to cater to her individual swimmer's need, and to bring her kids on Monday morning, I would asses them and if I needed to make changes I would. I could tell she still wasn't pleased.
That's where everything stood as of Monday morning here's a run down of how things have gone since then.
Monday: First lesson consisted of only two girls. Mom A's kid was indeed a better swimmer than Mom B's kid (Mom B plays a later role). But there was only two kids which essentially meant each student got 20 minutes of my time. Can't beat that with a bat!
Second lesson was a disaster. I had way more kids than I was expecting. I had one sign up that day, I had another come at the wrong time. I had a total of 6 kids. Some were wearing swim diapers. Others were starting kindergarten. Kids were crying, not cooperating. Mom B's kid (one of the ones in swim diapers) nearly drowned three times because he kept stepping off the step into water over his head.
It was obvious I needed to split the second lesson into two. I made the announcement of the changes to the parents present. Mom A and Mom B were conspicuously not present. I caught Mom A on my way out and told her of the changes I could tell she still wasn't pleased.
Monday night: Both Mom A and Mom B emailed me and told me they had contacted my friend the pool manager and Paige whom I have never met to tell them they had serious concerns and were pulling their kids from the lessons and they wanted a refund (the reasons they offered were totally bogus but I won't get into them here.) I couldn't help but take it personally. Mom A I think had made her mind up to pull her kids before they started and I'm positive Mom B was heavily influenced by Mom A.
Tuesday: Lifeguard doesn't show up. With both kids being pulled from my first lesson I was back to only two lessons. Due to another mix up that was a parent's fault I only had one student in my first lesson. Second lesson was a disaster again. It now had only four students in it. I had another little girl step of the edge into water over her head and because there was no lifeguard to spot her and I was busy with another kid, classy mom in a black and white striped hat had to literally drop her 8 month old and go in after her daughter. So embarrassed. Another little boy kept getting out hoping his mom would bail him out stepped on a bee and got stung. Again no lifeguard to help and I'm in the water with three other little ones unable to help. Disaster.
Wednesday: Pool heater shut off during the night. Pool temp was at 80 degrees. Fine for Michael Phelps not cool for kids under five. Blue lips for everyone!
Thursday (today): Stormed last night. Cleared up during the night but left the temp around a balmy 50. Checked pool temp and it was still at 80. Air temp and water temp still much to cold for little swimmers so I had to cancel and reschedule for Saturday when I should be headed to Logan for a wedding.
We'll see what kind of adventure tomorrow brings. I know things will be better when the pool manager is back but I'm real perturbed that the parents think that this Paige will fix everything. Here's the thing about Paige. She's never taught before. She's taken the certification course but she's never taught before.
I can't wait for this to be over.
Sorry so long. It was kind of therapeutic though.
Here's some background: I'm teaching at a private swim club and I am not employed by the club. I'm a contracted private instructor. I give them a (big) cut of what I make. I'm teaching with another girl named Paige whom I have never met and she has been handling all of the registration. We've set it up so that we will do four sessions that will have four classes a day for eight days for forty minutes. Are you following? Doesn't matter. Here's the point: Paige has been on vacation this week. Because I need the income I didn't want to wait another week to start so this week I did a short "Jump Start" session with only five, forty minute lessons in it. Also the pool manager who got me this gig has been out of town this week too.
So the problems started when I didn't have a huge enrollment for my jump start. So I condensed the 6-7 kids I had registered into two classes instead of four. Immediately I had a mom (Mom A we'll call her) email and say that her kids were at a higher level than the other kids I had put them with. I called her back and politely explained that I understood her concern but the class sizes were so small I would be able to cater to her individual swimmer's need, and to bring her kids on Monday morning, I would asses them and if I needed to make changes I would. I could tell she still wasn't pleased.
That's where everything stood as of Monday morning here's a run down of how things have gone since then.
Monday: First lesson consisted of only two girls. Mom A's kid was indeed a better swimmer than Mom B's kid (Mom B plays a later role). But there was only two kids which essentially meant each student got 20 minutes of my time. Can't beat that with a bat!
Second lesson was a disaster. I had way more kids than I was expecting. I had one sign up that day, I had another come at the wrong time. I had a total of 6 kids. Some were wearing swim diapers. Others were starting kindergarten. Kids were crying, not cooperating. Mom B's kid (one of the ones in swim diapers) nearly drowned three times because he kept stepping off the step into water over his head.
It was obvious I needed to split the second lesson into two. I made the announcement of the changes to the parents present. Mom A and Mom B were conspicuously not present. I caught Mom A on my way out and told her of the changes I could tell she still wasn't pleased.
Monday night: Both Mom A and Mom B emailed me and told me they had contacted my friend the pool manager and Paige whom I have never met to tell them they had serious concerns and were pulling their kids from the lessons and they wanted a refund (the reasons they offered were totally bogus but I won't get into them here.) I couldn't help but take it personally. Mom A I think had made her mind up to pull her kids before they started and I'm positive Mom B was heavily influenced by Mom A.
Tuesday: Lifeguard doesn't show up. With both kids being pulled from my first lesson I was back to only two lessons. Due to another mix up that was a parent's fault I only had one student in my first lesson. Second lesson was a disaster again. It now had only four students in it. I had another little girl step of the edge into water over her head and because there was no lifeguard to spot her and I was busy with another kid, classy mom in a black and white striped hat had to literally drop her 8 month old and go in after her daughter. So embarrassed. Another little boy kept getting out hoping his mom would bail him out stepped on a bee and got stung. Again no lifeguard to help and I'm in the water with three other little ones unable to help. Disaster.
Wednesday: Pool heater shut off during the night. Pool temp was at 80 degrees. Fine for Michael Phelps not cool for kids under five. Blue lips for everyone!
Thursday (today): Stormed last night. Cleared up during the night but left the temp around a balmy 50. Checked pool temp and it was still at 80. Air temp and water temp still much to cold for little swimmers so I had to cancel and reschedule for Saturday when I should be headed to Logan for a wedding.
We'll see what kind of adventure tomorrow brings. I know things will be better when the pool manager is back but I'm real perturbed that the parents think that this Paige will fix everything. Here's the thing about Paige. She's never taught before. She's taken the certification course but she's never taught before.
I can't wait for this to be over.
Sorry so long. It was kind of therapeutic though.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
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