DOA

Prepare yourselves for something truly awful:

Over the past year I've gone on more blind dates than anyone I know. I've lost count of how many men I've met. No exaggeration. Its far less fabulous than it sounds. I've tried to approach dating with the openest mind ever. I believe that you'll never make a basket if you don't shoot the ball. So I've been shooting the ball a lot.

Essentially my MO has been: if he has the guts to ask me to dinner I have the guts to say yes.

I think I'm done operating that way after tonight.

The back-story is pretty good all on its own but the punchline trumps it so I'll make it short.

At my cousin's wedding luncheon in June, my parents sat at the same table with two single friends of the groom. They were charmed. My mom thought I might enjoy going out with one of them. At the time my mind was at its openest to any and all dating experiences so I agreed. The man was given my number.

It took him 6 months to call me. The phone call was awkward. The lunch date was fine. I didn't hear from him again (which was more than fine) until after my mom had run into him at a mission farewell of one of my brother's friends. He asked about me and that incident must have encouraged him to call me again. After another PAINFULLY awkward phone call earlier this week I agreed to have dinner with him tonight.

The following conversation occurred during dinner and is in no way a fabrication or an exaggeration:

Me (trying to find something interesting to talk about): So do you live alone or do you have roommates?

Him: I have roommates...pause...well I live with my parents...pause...they're eighty so I help take care of them

I've never been great at math but I started crunching some numbers...

Me: So they must have had you pretty late. Were you a surprise there at the end?

Him: I'm not even the end

Me (starting to freak out): You grew up in Cottonwood Heights right? How old is your youngest sibling? Maybe I know them from school.

Him: You're in your 20s right?

Me: yeah...

Him: My youngest sibling is 40...I'm 47

You did not read that incorrectly. I'll type it again to make sure everyone got it...47!!!!!! That's within 5 years of my father and 4 of my mother. I feel sick as I type this.

He knew the date was over as soon as that number dropped. He had to of known (as I did but for very different reasons) that this date was DOA.

BUT WHY DID HE CALL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! First date, fine. Its blind neither of us know what to really expect (except he had met my parents so he had to have had a good guess about my age). But why did he call me for a second when he knew he was so much older than me?

This has really pushed me to my limits. I'm done. Tapping out. I can't do it anymore. No more guilt about missing opportunities. My mind has been so open my brain has obviously fallen out. From now on I'm only going on dates I want to go on. Which is almost the same as saying I'm never going on a date again. I'm adopting a cat, naming her Emily Dickinson, wearing a zip up hoodie to work, keeping my ibuprofen and tampons in a fanny pack and pulling my hair up with a chip clip.

I'm sure this will all look better in the morning right?