This morning I read this article.
If you are a member of the church I strongly recommend you read it. If you don't read it here's the gist. Its was written in 2004 (before the gay marriage thing had heated up to a point that it has now. The church is so smart), by a member of the church who deals with same-sex attraction.
I have a hard time when it comes to the issue of gay rights. I know that homosexuality doesn't have a place in our Father's plan (neither does the state of being single though) but it seems un-American and also against our Father's plan to deny people the right to live the way they want to. But that's another post altogether.
The article surprised me. Not because of what he revealed about living as a member of the church dealing with same-sex attraction but because I realized I had two things in common with him. 1. That up to this point, I "do not fully experience the joys of family life" and 2. "We all have need to repent".
Being a single adult in the church is hard. Its awkward. The Lord did not mean for us to be this way. Its like being in a wheel chair at a dance. Everyone sees you in the wheel chair, they sympathize with you, they wish you could join but you can't, you're in a wheel chair, and the dance continues. For some (I won't point fingers) being single is a choice. Maybe not a conscious one but a choice nonetheless. For me it is not a choice. Maybe I've made some wrong moves or missteps or missed an unrecognized opportunity, that have kept me from marriage but as far as I can tell I am doing all I can to "fully experience the joys of family life". And yet it eludes me because of circumstances I have no control over. In this way I sympathize with this member who experiences same-sex attraction. He has a strong testimony of the gospel. This is clear. But it never occurred to me the sorrow they experience (just like me) for not being able to join in the dance. They didn't choose this for themselves. They would change it if they could.
In the article he describes that his same-sex attraction is not a choice...temptation is not a choice. And its wrong to see someone who deals with that temptation as a transgressor. I don't think we do it with any other kind of temptation. We don't condemn an alcoholic just for wanting a drink. We sympathize with the struggle.
The author says:
"Some may be gripped by other temptations—alcohol, tobacco, pornography, gambling, or other serious sins. If not tempted by major transgression, we all nevertheless are tempted every day. And we do not think people facing large or small temptations are immoral just because they are tempted. Elder Oaks reminds us: “We should always distinguish between sinful acts and inappropriate feelings or potentially dangerous susceptibilities. We should reach out lovingly to those who are struggling to resist temptation."
With this he reminded me of the second thing I found I had in common with him. We are all tempted. We all have need to repent. We all require Christ's Atonement. To pick and choose which temptations we will be accepting of and which we won't is the opposite of being a disciple.
At the end of the article he suggests what members of the church can do to help saints who are suffering in this way: fellowship them. The hardest part about not having a companion with which to fully live the gospel is the loneliness. If you're in a wheelchair...you're far less likely to attend the dance in the first place.
The last thing I wanted to mention was the paragraph where he explains that the doctrine of agency contradicts the explanation that same-sex attraction is the result of biological or physiological causes. Once we reach the age (or condition) of accountability "I was born that way" is no longer an acceptable excuse. I was born wanting to sit around watching 30 Rock and eating muddy buddies. That doesn't make it ok.
*note 1: I realize that the comparisons between same-sex attraction and single-ness don't extend very far...but reading the article I couldn't believe how much I could relate with the struggle as a single person.
*note 2: I realize that comparing being single with having a disability is less than desirable...and if a married person made that comparison I'd probably lose it with them...the metaphor, however, works.
*note 3: I referred to the author as a him. This was an assumption. It could just as easily be a her.
3 comments:
Oh, I love this for so many reasons. Your analogy is PERFECT. I find myself acting awkward around single people in my ward. I don't want to give them pity, but at the same time I don't want to shy away from discussing their relationship status because it's a huge part of their lives. I finally had a great conversation with a 35 yr. old single gal in my ward and I feel so terrible that I hadn't tried to get to know her sooner.
But honestly, would you feel weird if a family with two kids invited you over for Sunday dinner? I know I wouldn't feel weird about it, but I guess I assumed single people would feel really awkward in that situation. Enlighten me.
I have more thoughts about the gay marriage debate too. It is such a mess. Sometimes I think we're fighting the wrong battle. Why should the government have any right to tell anyone who they can marry? If we believe marriage is a religious institution (which we do), why not leave it to the churches? I think the only way to make everyone happy is to take the govt. out of marriage completely. We all get domestic partnerships if we want the government to recognize our relationships, (gay, straight or two old sisters, etc) and leave the marriage ceremony where it's intended--at church.
Also, in CA, gay couples have all of the rights as far as insurance, taxes, etc that straight couples have. The ONLY thing they are after is changing a word to apply to them. (I just read an article about this very thing.)
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/08/07/INEO1EOV73.DTL
I have about a billion more thoughts but I'll keep it at this. Just skip your merry way over to NC and we'll talk about this over Muddy Buddies and watch season 3 of 30 Rock on DVD. mmkay?
Barb - I love you for posting this, making me think and then for your analogy. I think it's really clever and honestly works for me.
Like Mel, I feel the freakin' same way about the awkwardness. I get awkward around single friends. I don't want to be that married people who just talks about her husband and sex all the time around the single friend.
Anyway - I'm really impressed that the church printed this. I keep thinking we're shying away from the subject, but then little articles and quotes keep popping up around the internet about the church's feelings on gay rights and homosexuality. I intend to share this article with everyone I know because it was awesome. I kept thinking I knew the author because I can think of several people I know are struggling with this. It makes me sad to thin that there wouldn't be a part in The Plan for members like this man, but it's so hard for me 'politically' to explain my thoughts on gay marriage and gay rights. I just don't know if there's anyone out there (besides Phil) that I can explain myself to.
My uncle is gay, everyone knows that. I want to see him when we're in the next life - but where will he be? Not with his partner, the only people he's been happy with in twenty years, and not with his family, the only people who could accept him for who he is and still love him, even though we believe differenly. I know it'll work out somehow, but until then we're in such a bind right now with Prop 8 and all the hatred back and forth between church members and members of the gay community.
Wouldn't it be interesting, like Mel said, to just get rid of government ruling marriages? I wonder what that would look like and what would be the consequences. I enjoy being recognized as married from the government because I get a crazy tax break, but for someone like my uncle and his partner who have been 'married' for 16 years - why shouldn't they get a tax break, too? I mean - they own cars, a home...much more than we do! And they work a lot more than we do!
Anyway....sorry to ramble, but this is a safe place and I feel really, really good to know that not all Mormons are close minded and ready to raise pitch forks and torches to any person with an 'Equality Now' bumper sticker or rainbow flag in their front yard. I love that in reading this articly it made it even more clear that these people are still our brothers and sisters and still children of God, who created them.
Love you Heather! Thanks for posting, again!
Can I just make a short comment?
As usual, I appreciate your thoughts. I too have strong feelings about the subject.
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