(Mis)Communication extended edition

Before I blessed the world (i.e. Sadie) by starting this blog I used the "notes" application on Facebook to put down some of my thought/ideas/observations. On November 26, 2007 I posted this:

Oh boy! This is going to be fun! So men and women are different right? And I think that anyone over the age of two can tell you that the differences between us extend to the way we communicate with one another. In fact this might be where we differ the most (or maybe our anatomy? I digress...). For whatever reason the things we mean and the things we say don't always translate across gender (actually I should say 'sex' because I'm referring to biology whereas 'gender' is a socialy constructed concept. I learned that in a bra-burning class). You can pick your favorite reason for this...Women are crazy...Men are stupid...We're hardwired differently...We are motivated and stimulated by different things...Women are complex...Men are simple...Women are emotional messes...Men are neanderthals...All of the above might be true and they might not be...it doesn't matter, we still just sometimes don't get the message. Now I'm not sure if its better to be on one side or the other of this language barrier but for better or worse I'm on the woman side. I speak Woman. I'm trying to learn man-speak and although it seems easy enough sometimes I have a hard time getting it. Maybe it's like Moses' serpent on the staff. Too easy? But I speak woman. I'm capable of telling a two minute incident in twenty minutes and I can just as easily tell the whole story of my day in one look. And because I speak woman I can understand women.

Let me illustrate...A couple of weeks ago I sat down in Sunday School with my former roommate Rachelle Tuttle and two of our male friends. Rachelle noticed my earrings and asked me "Heather, does Emily (my current roommate) have on the same earrings on as you only in red?" My response, "These are Emily's." Rachelle indicated that this was an appropriate response. Our male companions exchanged a look and then one said to me, "But you didn't answer her question." Rachelle and I both responded that yes I did. You see from the fact that Rachelle had noticed Emily's and my earrings I knew that she already knew they were the same...what she really wanted to know was, were the earrings I was wearing mine or did Emily have two of the same pair. I gave Rachelle the answer she was looking for. I answered the question that was being asked.

Here is a counter-illustration:My stepdad is a very smart man. Maybe one of the smartest I know or will ever know. He's very successful in business and has a loving wife and family. He's got a lot going for him. That's why sometimes I can't figure out how he made it all happen when I hear exchanges like this:We went to San Diego for Thanksgiving, my grandparents drove down with us and flew back. After we dropped them off at the airport my twelve year old sister Carly asked "What time does their plane leave?" Dad: "5:30." Carly: "How long is their plane?" Dad: "About 150 ft. long." Oh Dad! Now I know that he was teasing Carly but he didn't try to clarify by telling her that their flight would be two hours. He just answered the question, not the one being asked. The next day my mom asked him how big of bills he had, my dad's response "They're the size that fit in my wallet". Oh Dad!

I don't really know what the point of this is. I do know that when a girl asks her date/husband/boyfriend how she looks, she's not doubting how she looks because she's spent the last hour  doing whatever she can to look her best for you! She thinks she looks good. What she's asking you is does she look good enough to be with you. She's looking for reassurance. Answer the question that is being asked.

I'm just so suprised sometimes that everything works and the world turns. We're all so crazy and dysfunctional that its amazing that anybody ever has any success in human relationships. Seriously! It's a miracle. And I love every second of it. I don't plan on ever having it all figured out but I do hope to make progress in this area. Communication is key. Women are figurative, men are literal. And we're all God's children...The End.

I thought it was pretty sound at the time and I haven't really thought about it since then. But then today my friend Mike must have stumbled on it because he posted this response:

Mike:
I don't know if it's a men vs. woman problem, completely, although I do admit that there is definitely something to be said for that aspect. I submit, however, that there is a barrier between those who CAN and those who CANNOT communicate. I've met many wonderful girls who I communicate just fine with. I've met many other guys who I can communicate well with. However, I've met many other woman AND men who just don't seem to pick up on social cues, or as you put it, Heather, "the question that is being asked."

Are these people stupid? Well, maybe yes, maybe no. Perhaps it is a personality thing: the "question that is being asked" is understood, but the subject of the question decides to not answer, so he/she thus ignores it. Many examples of this can be cited in relationship issues. Maybe the person is just thick. Maybe tactless.

All I know is some people (men & women) can communicate effectively, other can't.

He brought up a point that I had not considered and I responded thus:

Me:
That's true Mike. I failed to consider that. I've had experiences with people who I know are not dumb, I know that they understand what I'm asking but they refuse to answer "the question being asked". And to be perfectly honest I've been that person, and I knew I was being that person. I wish people were more direct and deliberate. (I should probably be careful what I wish for...)

However, I do think that there is a certain percent of the population that is just dense. And like it or not they (man and/or woman) will not pick up what you lay down, smell what you are stepping in etc...

I also would like to point out that in my experience when a man and a woman communicate effectively the results are dynamite. Nothing else compares. When they don't it's whatever the opposite of dynamite is.

Just thought I would share...and thanks Mike for making me reconsider my point.

"If you never say your name out-loud to anyone they can never, ever call you by it." -- Regina Spektor